Life Goes On
by kaihil lover
Summary: He dips her, and kisses her, and the magic spell breaks just as soon as their lips meet. She's no Cinderella and he is certainly no prince charming, and there definitely is no happily ever after written in the stars for them. Theirs will always be a broken fairy tale. Kai-centric Dedications: Tyhiltwilover and Miss. Iqbal
1. An Unkept Promise

**_Life Goes On..._**

**_Chapter 1: An Un-kept Promise_**

"Promise me." Sasumu repeated for the third time. He didn't have much time; he had to get this clear to Kai.

The little five year old boy kept staring at Sasumu with tear filled eyes not responding.

"Promise that you won't resent your mother. You'll take care of her. That you'll be a good boy, and listen to your grand father."

"You're actually leaving," Kai said unbelievably, ignoring his father's words.

"Listen Kai, this is for the best, I promise." Sasumu said in an apologetic voice. "Try to understand your grandfather is not a very nice man, so you must listen to him, or you'll be in trouble. But you're old enough to know the difference between right and wrong, always make the right choice no matter how hard. Winning isn't the only thing in the world."

Sasumu closed his eyes and took a deep breath, of course his son wasn't old enough; he was just six years old. But there was no way Sasumu could stay and not be forced into agreeing into Voltaire's plans, nor was there a way to take his wife or Kai with him. He just hoped that Kai would be braver than him and have the nerves to do the right thing, than runaway like he way doing.

"You're leaving just because you'd rather beyblade than stay with us." Kai said his voice shaking.

Sasumu sighed, "One day you'll understand, Kai," He paused. "But for now please, promise me, you'll do what I said."

Kai let out a small breathless whimper and looked away from his father's face. They were in the front yard of the Hiwatari mansion in Russia; it was almost summer time, so the snow in the garden was pretty much gone.

"Kai, you can make a difference, don't be afraid, just do the right thing, always, and don't get underestimated or intimidated. And please, try to understand what I'm doing is for your good only."

Kai opened his mouth, but closed it almost immediately and pursed his lips. He took out his new blade from his pocket, which his dad had just given to him right before they were called by grandfather to his office. He knew it was his father's and that it had his Dranzer. He looked at if for two seconds, his expression seemed much older than that of a six year old, his eyes were brimming with tears. He then threw it on the floor. "I promise." He yelled, his voice laced with hurt and betrayal and ran away back inside the house.

Sasumu stood rigid where he was staring at his son's retreating back with his hands at his sides. He closed his eyes for a while and tried to clear his mind. He bent down and picked up the blade wiped the grime off of it. He would give it back to the boy before he left.

Kai was curled up on his bed; he seemed to be sleeping rather peacefully. Sasumu sat down next to him and brushed the blue hair off of his face, the boy flinched at the touch. Sasumu suppressed a sigh. The boy didn't know how much struggles awaited him; Voltaire was going to resent Kai for his retreat and try to use him in his place.

The thirty three old Hiwatari rubbed his temples. He just wished he would end up making better decisions than him. To have better friends, he knew his son was introverted; it was hard for him to meet new people. More was it hard naturally to trust people and his leaving was just going to make things worst, leave a permanent scar. He had a general idea what his father's intentions were, and he knew very well what his father was up to and most of it was nothing near being legal.

He took out from his pocket the blade that Kai had previously discarded and gently placed it next to his hands which were clutching a blanket. "Sazuka, protect him." He let out a final sigh, ruffled his son's messy two toned hair and silently left the room, closing the door behind him.

.

"I accept, Grandfather. I want to take down the Bladebreakers at Lake Baikal; tell Boris to give me Black Dranzer." Kai said in an impassive tone.

"Are you sure?" Voltaire asked in a slightly scathing tone.

"I don't second guess." Kai stated in a flat tone.

_But you're old enough to know the difference between right and wrong, always make the right choice no matter how hard. Winning isn't the only thing in the world. _Thirteen year old Kai winced, as he remembered his father's words.

"I'm sure," He confirmed.

"As you wish, Kai," Voltaire stated in a satisfied voice.

Kai stood there for a few seconds, trying to get rid of his father's words that echoed in his mind, he then bowed and exited the room.

There was silence in the room again as Voltaire Hiwatari smirked with satisfaction, his pawn was still under his control, victory will be sweet.

* * *

**AN: I'm back, I'm back, I'm back, I'm back. Exams ended and summer vacation started last Tuesday and I'm back. I have more than 3 month vacation ahead of me. Didn't put up anything till now, I had a terrible block. I'll be updating old stories, most definitely; and putting up new ones. Starting from this one. It got inspired by a quote a friend texted when I was studying for my Urdu paper. Each chapter will be based on a sentence in the quote. I'll prolly be updating with a one day gap. xD It'll have 7 more chapters I guess. =)**

**Dedications go to _tyhiltwilover_ as a bday gift, her bday was on 27th of March. And to anonymous reviewer _Miss. Iqbal_, who intends to make an account with the name _Inspired by Iqbal_, soon, she just discovered the glory of fan fic who reviewed almost all of my fics. xD Both of them are very awesome. :D**

**Hope everyone liked it. **

**_Disclaimer:_ I own nothing, you can't sue me! **

**23rd April, 2012. 09:14 p.m.**


	2. An Irreversible Regret

**_Chapter 2: An Irreversible Regret_**

"Hey guys," Tala said walking into the cell room he had in Balcov Abbey.

Spencer was there treating Ian's wounds, Bryan was fixing his blade, and Kai was sitting near the window not bothering to look out.

"Kai," Tala started uncertainly. "I met a guard on my way here, he told me to tell you that Voltaire wishes you go see someone if you wanted."

Kai didn't answer. The others noticed this, but didn't look up from their work.

Tala walked on over to Kai, rubbing the bruise had just gotten on his arm. "Kai?" Tala asked uncertainly.

_Promise that you won't resent your mother. You'll take care of her._ Kai shook his head to rid himself of the words of a man he didn't want to remember.

"It's nothing, Tala." Kai replied flatly.

"Who does Voltaire want you to see?" Tala asked.

Kai didn't respond, and Tala knew better than to press for an answer he walked away just as quietly as he came.

.

Tala decided to go see Kai, who was training in a room on the second floor of the abbey, though it was past his training time. Tala walked in the room to see the flames of the majestic phoenix enveloping Kai.

The moment he heard Tala walking in he called Dranzer back, and turned to face the red head.

A glaring competition went on between the two twelve year olds before Kai said in a single breath, "My mother, he wants me to see her. She's sick."

Tala blinked. He couldn't understand how Voltaire was allowing something like that; and why in God's name was Kai acting like an idiot and not taking the opportunity. Most kids would kill to get an opportunity to see their parents.

Kai let out a low chuckle seeing the flabbergasted look in Tala's eyes. "Sometimes I think Voltaire actually liked my mother, she was a friend's daughter, thought she had potential for something great, which she wasted it for my dad. Liked her much more than my dad; I guess that's why he wants me to see her."

Tala couldn't understand what he was hearing. Here Kai had the opportunity to see one of his parents, and he was taking this as something funny.

"Tala, I could care less, for her or my father, they abandoned me in this rat hole," Resentment tainted Kai's tone as he spat out those words.

"Kai," Tala paused, "I think she might be dyeing."

There was no denying the reality to Tala's theory, there was no other reason for Kai being suddenly allowed by Voltaire to see a relative. Kai took a deep breath, it was blatant that he still cared, and said, "It couldn't matter to me less."

"Kai," Tala tried to reason.

"Just go, Tala, you don't understand. You can't." Kai's tone indicated the end of his side of the conversation. "Just leave."

"You're going to_ regret_ this, Kai," Tala warned him. He walked out without another word, glaring at the darkness in front of him.

.

Tala walked into the training room where the future Blitzkrieg boys, were being trained. He walked over to Kai and pulled him by the collar. "You ass hole," He hissed. "I told you it would happen; I told you I was right."

Kai, his eyes were burning with anger, was about to break free of Tala's grip, when he heard his next words being spat at him. "She died; your mother. Voltaire had called me to his office for harassing a guard, and he told me. Suggested that I inform you of the news, and that, her last wish was that she sees you."

Tala let go of Kai's shirt and backed away. The others expected Kai to attack and were moving to intervene, but didn't when they saw that Kai was completely immobile.

Kai closed his eyes and tightened his fit. His mind was racing; he didn't know what to do. He was stupid and rash. He hurt someone who obviously cared about him a lot. All the memories of his childhood came crashing down on him and he felt his mind was going to explode.

Boris smiled sardonically as he watched his little pawns sufferer. He knew this was not a time to interfere for training's sake, but to watch the emotional havoc being wreaked.

"You're pathetic," Tala's voice didn't sound jeering, but more pitying. "You always have to do that, don't you?"

Kai blinked at Tala.

"Pretend you, don't care, act as if nothing matters to you when God, you really do care about people, despite your introverted act. And when due to your stupid act, you end up losing people, you mope on that too." Tala finished his tirade and let out a low snort. He couldn't believe this; Kai had let his mother die without even seeing her. He was pathetic.

"That's it boys," Boris said in a commanding voice. "Off to the blading room, you need to work on your techniques. And Kai, I want you there in fifteen minutes, maximum."

Tala was the first to leave, followed by the others, who wanted to say something to Kai, but didn't know what to say, so thought best to just stay quiet.

Kai sank down to the floor. He felt as if he couldn't understand what had gotten over him. How could he have refused to see his own mother, much less when she was on her death bed? He never would get a chance to take one last look at her, or say good bye because of his foolish pride. Of course it had been six years since he last saw her, or talked to her. But childhood memories remain forever scarred in one's mind, and she was his_ mother_. He would never forgive himself for this.

This_ regret, _and the need to _reverse_ time and get another chance would, haunt him till the day he laid on his death bed.

* * *

**AN: This would be chapter 2. :) Hope everyone liked it. :P**

**Thank you to _Tyhiltwilover_ and _Kawaii-Chibi-Kai _for reviewing the previous chapter. :D**

**R and R. :)**

**00:05 a.m. 27th April, 2012**


	3. An Unspeakable Secret

**_An unspeakable Secret_**

"You're letting me leave this place?" Kai asked in a confused voice, Voltaire's words had caught him off guard. He was sitting in Voltaire's office; Boris was there too, as well as two security guards and a middle aged man with a balding head.

"Yes, you are free to go," Voltaire said with a malevolent smile. "All you have to do is, listen to Mr. Dickinson here."

Voltaire gestured towards the balding man, who gave Kai an earnest smile. Kai responded by giving the man a suspicious look, anyone that Voltaire knew, was not to be trusted. Kai then turned from Mr. Dickinson to Voltaire and gave him an appalling expression.

Voltaire glared at his grandson. "You can live your life as you please, you will go back home. All you are going to have to do is participate in Beyblading tournaments; Mr. Dickinson is in charge of a beyblading organization, and he just needs new bladers."

Kai was unsure of what to do, there was a chance for him to get out of the hell hole that was Balkov abbey, but he didn't know what Voltaire, and this man's intentions were.

A few minutes passed as Kai considered the aspects of the situation. Why was Voltaire just letting him go? What was he planning to make him do?

"Kai," Boris said in an aggressive voice, speaking for the first time since Kai entered the room. "You don't have a choice here. You are leaving, it has been decided."

Kai looked up at Boris and gave him an indifferent look.

"Now, now," Mr. Dickinson said in a calm voice. "No need to be harsh with the boy, he can come with me if he wants, if he wants to stay here with his friends, then he can, you can just find me some other blader."

Voltaire gave Mr. Dickinson a scathing look, is if he thought that Mr. Dickinson was a naive man who didn't understand what an abomination the lad in front of them was; he was not affected at all by his right hand man's harsh behavior towards his grandson, but approved of it. Kai was glaring at his grandfather after his last comment and was determinedly not responding. Mr. Dickinson noticed how Voltaire looked at his grandson, in a disappointed, demeaning manner, as if he was thinking of every possible aspect in which Kai was a failure to him.

"Mr. Hiwatari," Mr. Dickinson addressed, "How about I speak to Kai alone?"

"As you wish," Voltaire agreed; he then turned to Kai, "Accompany Mr. Dickinson outside."

Kai grunted in response and got up from his seat and walked out of the room. Mr. Dickinson bid Voltaire and Boris a farewell and followed suit.

"Kai," Mr. Dickinson said in a gently voice catching up to the dual haired boy. "Why are you against the idea of leaving this place?"

"I don't know what you and Voltaire are planning on making me do out there, so no, I am fine here." Kai told Mr. Dickinson.

"Kai, all I want is a blader. I am unaware of what your Grandfather might want, but I just want you to blade in my tournaments." Mr. Dickinson explained to Kai who was leaning against a wall with his arms folded.

"Okay, so you might not be involved, but I'm not taking any chances. If you are not involved, then you don't know what goes on in here, you don't know what the risk is going out there alone." Kai finished expressing his thoughts and began to walk off.

Mr. Dickinson shook his head and sighed. "I'm trying to help you, and the other children, I know what goes on in here. The only reason I want someone from here to beyblade for me is, to try and put a stop to this organization."

Kai was genuinely shocked; this was not what he was expecting. Even if this guy didn't work for Voltaire, he had expected that he would be some guy, really wanting a blader, which Voltaire was using as an opportunity to send one of his pawns in the real world, to do his dirty work. Someone trying to bring down Voltaire was not, what Kai expected this bald and old man, to be.

"Fine, I'll come with you." Kai said unfolding his arms. "Is there any chance that you might convince Voltaire to let four more people go?"

"Your friends?" Mr. Dickinson raised his eye brows.

"I've known them from when I started here." Kai said in a defensive voice.

Mr. Dickinson smiled sympathetically. "I'm sorry, my boy, Voltaire didn't want to let go of anyone, I convinced him to let one of his, uh, students go, he won't budge for another."

Kai's eyebrows furrowed. "Fine, when do we leave?"

"As soon as you get your stuff, we can leave." Mr. Dickinson said cheerfully. "You can return to where you lived before you came here. I am sorry about your friends."

"Its fine," Kai said in an apathetic voice. He began walking away towards his quarters, but stopped in his tracks. "Thank you," He said without turning around.

"You're welcome, Kai," Mr. Dickinson said with a swell of pride, maybe the boy wasn't as bad as Voltaire and his worker had stated.

_You're old enough to know the difference between right and wrong; always make the right choice no matter how hard._

Kai winced as the words of his father echoed through his mind. Tala, Bryan, Spencer and Ian weren't his duty, he was in no sense obliged to them, he had the opportunity to leave, he would take it; they would do the same thing.

Still there was a part of him that was repentant for the choice he had made, and felt ashamed of his decision, so, he decided to not tell them that he had a choice to stay; that was one secret he was going to keep with him.

.

After taking the small amount of property he claimed as his own, his precious Dranzer, Kai left his quarters, bidding his friends a subtle goodbye. As he exited the room, before he completely shut the door, he heard Tala say to Bryan, "Of course he'd stay, if he had the choice, he'd never abandon us." And at that moment Kai wished that the ground would just open up and swallow him whole, he would never let them know he had a choice, if they found out he would never be able to look himself in the mirror. He was going to take this reprehensible secret, to his grave.

He took in a deep breath and made his way towards the doors of the abbey, towards a freedom that tasted more bitter at the moment than the confinement of the abbey.

* * *

**AN: Well, here is chapter 3. Hope everyone liked it. :P**

**Thank you to _Kawaii-Chibi-Kai, cOOlzanimeaDDict _and _Tyhiltwilover_ for reviewing both the previous chapters. ;D Thank you to everyone who read and faved. :P**

**02:15 a.m. 30th April, 2012**


	4. An Irreparable Loss

_**Chapter 4: An Irreparable Loss**_

Kai could hear his foot steps as he made his way through the hallway leading out of the stadium. The sound of the crowd was like a buzzing in his ears. Each sound made by his movement echoed through the caverns of his mind. He felt weak and powerless. His steps were becoming wearier, and it was becoming harder for him to carry his weight. His mind started blanking out and he started walking with his hand against the wall for support.

"Yeah, it was all worth it." The words were spoken out loud by Kai, who knew that his life long partner, the majestic phoenix was listening. As he walked, the grip he had on the blade tightened to show gratitude towards Dranzer.

A lot of wrong decisions he had made in his life; the fixation with wanting to be the best; the repeated attempts prove his worth to a father and grandfather, even an audience that didn't give a crap; the lack of need of contemplation when abandoning his friends and taking them for granted.

Finally, he had done the right thing, he was glad for it. Sure he had pushed himself to the limit, and he wasn't sure how he going to recover from this battle, but he felt glad. Finally he had done something that did not put a weight on his soul.

His own weight was becoming more and more hard, for Kai to carry and his legs finally began to cave as he slumped down on the floor of the corridor. He leaned against the wall for support, his vision was getting hazy and his mind was blanking out. The effects of Brooklyn's _King of Darkness_ attack still seemed to have not left Kai's mind, an overbearing feeling of still sinking in oblivion was overcoming him. The sharp edges of the blade pressing onto his skin gave Kai a sense of reality and he gripped the blade tighter.

"I risked everything, but if I inspired my friends then I'm glad." The G Revolutionist's voice hitched in his throat more than before. The only reason he was speaking out loud because he wanted to hear his words, in his mind the thoughts were all jumbled and fading, listening to his own crucial thoughts made him comprehend their importance and separate them from the rest of the chaos in his mind.

"I had to do it, now, its Tyson's turn." He didn't even know why he said this. Now when his breathing was becoming more troubled with every word, this was what he thought of saying? How pointless! - he smiled a broken smile; it was obvious Tyson would get it right, without bringing harm to anyone who cared for him, or anyone, who he cared for; he would always be a champ and the hero who fixed everything in the end.

It was always he, who would always make wrong decisions at first and then choose the right path, and would suffer the consequences of his former mistakes. The same had happened this time; when he finally realized that the compulsion to defeat Tyson and wanting to defeat Boris on his own by joining BEGA was wrong, each in so many ways, it was too late; his intentions had already been known for his traitorous acts, and although he had realized his wrong and came back to the right side it was definitely at a price.

The respect of the few people who still respected him, he lost, also the little respect he had for himself in his own eyes, wasn't ever coming back either, for a while he even lost his blading skills; reverting back to the right side, after trying to join the corrupt and vile one did have consequences. And Kai even after suffering from the consequences so many times hadn't realized what to choose between, right and wrong, particularly when he knew he never was capable of sticking with the wrong thing till the end, he wasn't completely, that much credit he gave himself.

"My days of blading are over." The words were more incoherent than before. If Kai hadn't attempted to join BEGA, if he hadn't been blinded by the need of wanting to be better than Tyson, and of bringing down Boris on his own, without being under Tyson's shadow, if he had just let go of his pride, and had chosen the right path from the start, what indeed would have happened? Wondering about the possibilities, he couldn't help it, even now when there was nothing that could be done.

Would he not be lying battered and bruised on the floor with no one having a thought of coming to help him? Would he not be losing the warmth and feeling of protection of his partner, Dranzer? Would Dranzer not be suffering and dyeing like he was? Would he not be losing the only thing that he felt gave meaning to his life; beyblading? Would he have salvaged some of his pride, his respect? The love and friendship of his friends? If this end would have been different and maybe would have been even, slightly happy?

These questions haunted him and plagued his mind, the darkness overpowering his senses did not block out the questions which tormented him; neither did it block out the images of his friends

"Dranzer, it's done," he breathed out, the words slashing against his throat; he wanted to let the phoenix know that he had done the right thing, and something he held no regrets about. But then the thoughts going through his mind came to the prospect that to fix the errors of his blunders and to solve his problems he had along with himself pushed Dranzer at stake too. What would happen to the phoenix was what Kai feared, he could feel its aura dimming and the warmth and protection of the phoenix skimming away.

Kai would have asked if he had slight hope anyone would answer, but he knew there was no angel watching over him. An end would come to him so that he could be in peace that was the only thing he wished for. The burdens of having disappointed and failed so many people, he was tired of them. He had tried to be brave, to do the right thing, along with that what he wanted, but he was not destined to, he had failed everyone. All he wanted was now to be in peace, to forget the past, not to try to forget the past, but the just get a clean sweep, to stop the torment of the guilt that burned through him.

He felt himself plummeting again, slowly and slowly in a whirlpool of darkness; he kept trying to raise his hand, trying to find a hand in the dark to grab onto, but unlike the time of the battle, when Brooklyn had attacked him, no hand came out of the blue to pull him out of the blinding vortex, he just felt himself sink deeper and deeper till he couldn't see anything but the darkness. His thoughts became more frazzled, focusing less on his recent victory and more on the overwhelming darkness blinding him and the sound of his friends mocking him.

"You can go, thank you, my friend." The words were barely a whisper, broken and feeble, but they gave the battered and bruised blade contentment. He had finally released the phoenix from his control, Dranzer – if it would survive – was free now, free from Kai's vice and his exploitation. Maybe in releasing the phoenix, it might have some chances of survival was what Kai believed.

The blade slipped from his hand, it no longer being able to support the weight and fell onto the floor with an echoing sound. It slowly cracked into – what Kai could determine from the sound reverberating through the empty corridor – at least a few dozen pieces. When the strength to look down finally came to him, he witnessed at the very moment, the bit chip cracking; a deafening cry was then heard which pierced through his heart. And then as if nothing had happened the former silence of the corridor – with Kai's ragged breathing being the only audible noise – was restored.

Maybe it was the protection and guardianship of Dranzer that had kept Kai going, which with the phoenix having agreed to leave on it's master's command, or dying – if possible –, had been removed and thus the former phoenix wielder's eyes immediately closed, as he went so deep into the hollows of the whirlpool. All thoughts except of the need to find something to find to grab onto to escape, left his mind till the moment, few seconds later when he blanked out completely; the darkness finally overpowering all the thoughts, the memories, the fears, the pain, the defeat, the hollowness, leaving just a numbing feeling of unconsciousness.

.

Opening his eyes made the intense and pallid brightness of his surroundings come into view, it made him shut his eyes involuntarily. A shiver ran down his spine and a feeling of emptiness and realization dawned upon him like the rays of the morning sun into whatever room he was in: Dranzer was gone, left or destroyed – it was gone, and Kai knew that now he was completely alone.

Dranzer gave Kai support and it protected him, with it gone there was this intolerable emptiness inside his body and soul. The selfishness, deceit and pride that he had been harvesting for so long had led to him losing the only thing that had stuck with him till the end, the only thing that kept him from the brink of giving up completely on life.

The fear clutched at his heart and he found it hard to keep his eyes closed. As his heavy lids lifted, he found himself to be in a normal hospital room, with the usual emphasize on everything being white; he couldn't help believe that even the sunlight entering hospital rooms automatically turned from yellow to white and the case was same now as well.

Turning to his side, Kai saw Hiromi and Ray sitting on opposite sides of a sofa near the door. Both of them were asleep, Hiromi having put her head down on the arm of the sofa, while Ray was leaning down in his seat. How long it had been since they had been forced to be on his hospital duty? He had no memory of how long he'd been out cold. Hiromi and Ray were there out of pity or duty; they could not have genuine care for their former captain, that much was blatant, he had done nothing to be worthy of their care, though much to not deserve it.

Kai couldn't deny how much he wanted to finally admit how much his team mates meant to him. He wanted to wake the two of them within his reach and tell them, but, even now – after all that had happened – his pride stopped him. There was no point in it either, he tried to convince himself there was no reason for them to accept his apology and nothing he could do or would be able to do to show his repentance, the prospect of it was entirely futile. His friends were among the long list of people, from whom there was no chance of achieving any form of forgiveness.

What was going to happen now, Kai didn't know. Rash as he always was, his rashness had finally led to him making such an irreparable mistake for which amends could never be made. Getting second chances was something he was used to, but this time he had gone too far, there was no chance of salvation this time. Dranzer was gone, and he would have to live with the hollow feeling and the pain for the rest of his existence, reminding him of one of the most irrevocable and terrible mistakes of his life.

* * *

**And you stood tall... now you will fall, don't break the spell, of a life spent trying to do well; and you stood tall, now you will fall, don't break the spell of a life spent trying to do well... Hehe, that was the song I was listening to all the while, while writing this chapter. ^^**

**OMG, this chapter killed me; writing it, and editing it. O_o Well, Dead-by-n0w, after 1 entire hour of rereading this again and again, I hope you think I fixed my excessive pronoun issue.**

**Thank you to Dolphin12145 and Kawaii-Chibi-Kai for reviewing the last chapter. Dead-by-n0w and Inspired-by-Iqbal for reviewing all three chapters. xD**

**Hope everyone liked it. Please review. :)**

**00:10 a.m. 29th May, 2012.**


	5. An Unheard Request

_**Chapter 5: An Unheard Request**_

The smoke cleared up, the bey dish was in view; the crowd roared, DJ Jazzman screamed, "Your new world champion is, Tyson Granger!"

The entire crowd was up on its feet; friends and acquaintances were making their way towards Tyson Granger. There was laughing and cheering and hugging. Mr. Dickenson who had already gotten down was walking over to Tyson and Daichi with the cup.

Kai stared at the new scene from his seat in the box next to Mr. Dickenson; there was no one with him now that the BBA owner had made his way down. Along with the Blitzkrieg boys, Mr. Dickenson was the only person he had kept contact with after the BEGA incident. The tournament was something he wanted to witness, but did not under any circumstance wanted to be in midst of the screaming crowd, nor did he want any chance encounter with his friends.

What was it the fourth time? Yes, the fourth time that Tyson Granger had become world champion. Kai was happy for his friend, but he couldn't help resent him, and envy him… He had tried so hard, sacrificed so much to be the best, but he couldn't be; he had realized this now, he was not the best, nor could he ever be. Too hard, he head worked not to deserve to win, but he guessed that it was atonement for his many sins. To prove his worth to people who didn't care, he had lost his worth in the eyes of those who did care.

Realization didn't mean though that the pain would just end, he hated that he could not be the best, he couldn't even battle anymore, after all he had Dranzer no more; the phoenix had been destroyed and the only one to blame was he himself. The fact that he had failed was not comforting; he had put everything on the line to be the best, to prove that he was worthy enough to Dranzer, his grandfather, his father, his friends, but he couldn't do it.

Quitting was the only option, there was no use in suffering through the humiliation; the crowd thought of him to be completely washed up, it was common knowledge, he believed them too, he had gotten worse and worse over the time, and now that he didn't have Dranzer, there was no sense in even trying.

Kai couldn't stop himself from wishing that when he had sacrificed everything to be the best, hurt those people who probably mattered to him more than the championship title, he could have at least gotten what he had wanted, instead he had lost Dranzer; it was something he still could not believe that Dranzer was gone; he still hadn't recovered from the loss.

Watching the rejoicing figures of his friends, he couldn't keep, from wondering: if he was given the chance to do things over, he wouldn't know what he'd want to change. There were so many mistakes he had made; mistakes that had been made to fulfill his desire to be the best, mistakes that had been made with no fear of having hurt his friends.

Another chance was something he very much longed for, to stop himself from battling Brooklyn; but it was obvious that, that wouldn't be the right choice either, that would have been running away from BEGA and Boris, running away, leaving his friends in the line of fire, not doing anything to stop the man who destroyed the lives of so many people.

Having better treated his friends was something he wished for the most, so that when he lost blading he could have turned to them for support, of course they were ready to be there for him, to console him, help him, but he was ashamed of taking their help after all he did to them, so he left and hurt them again, because he didn't have the nerve to face them, to let them help him, after all the terrible things he did to them.

Thinking of this, he wondered if it was his selfishness had led to his undoing, and not being able to achieve his goal, despite sacrificing everything for it. If he had done the right thing each time from the start, not hurt people he cared for, even if it had meant decreasing the chances of getting what he wanted, he would have actually gotten what he had wanted….

Looking down at the ground of the stadium again from his elevated position, he saw that the crowd was still screaming. Daichi and Tyson were hugging, the former Bladebreakers eventually had made their way towards them; Ray patted them on the back, Kenny was being all hyper, Max, too was hugged the two champions, Hiromi also made her way towards them from her bench and congratulated them, she then hit Daichi for something he said and hugged Tyson; the other teams had also made their way towards them and were conveying their praise.

The former world champion smiled in misery; he felt sorry for his own self, he no longer had the chance to even try; he knew he couldn't beat Tyson, but at least he should have had the opportunity to try, but without Dranzer he doubted if he could win against a rookie. He missed blading, his old life, he had gone back to Whitney Prep after he recovered from the BEGA incident, gone back to living a normal life, like he did after the world champs in Russia, but this time not on his own will.

Kai couldn't deny he still wanted to be the best, it never was so much about being world champion; from the start it was never was, that's why when he was using Black Dranzer, one of his many mistakes, he did not want to wait for the championships, he wanted to prove then and there he was the best he didn't care for the public knowing, he just wanted to do prove to himself; winning the world championships was the most blatant way of proving that he was the best, and he still wanted to win, to become the champion, to give himself the satisfaction of being the best.

Through the transparent glass, Kai saw that the BBA Revolution was starting to pack things up, getting ready to leave. Half a mind was telling him to go down to congratulate them, but he didn't know what he would say, how he would face them and how he would not be pitied upon. His friends, and other people, they all pitied him for his desperateness and not having gotten what he wanted; he did not want their pity – so he decided to not to go.

The crowd was beginning to slowly exit the stadium, bidding goodbye to friends made at the tournaments, adieu till the next tournament drew by. The former champion was waiting for all his former acquaintances to leave, before he could exit himself. Now that the battle was over, Kai's mind was which was previously occupied with the battle was now to free to wander over the all the decisions that had led him to this point. There were too many decisions he regretted, but each lamentable decision had also either eventually led to something great happening or something important ensuing which had to be done.

Even if he got the chance, everything was just too intricately interconnected, and messing with any action of the past would lead to a dozen new consequences. Eventually Kai stopped debating over past missteps; there was no chance of reversing the past nor of knowing what difference each change would make, or if it would be for the better or the worse… contemplation would just lead to his further undoing.

All he could do now was endure the consequences of all that he had done, and hope that those he had hurt in the way would not suffer on his behalf. He hoped that all those people who died because of him, those whom he couldn't save, they would be in peace, and that he would have to bear their pains, instead of them, their demise was his entire fault, the consequences of his wrong decisions and stupidities and vanity, they deserved not to undergo pain because of him.

For a while Kai looked through the crowd staring at random faces, clearing his mind of all personal thoughts, and just focusing on the going about of the people in the stadium.

After some time, he looked down towards the BBA Revolution team; he saw them all talking happily and he felt a pang in his heart, he wished he could be with them. Hiromi put her duffle bag on her shoulders and look around at her surroundings; she looked up and her eyes landed right upon him, first time in the night someone had looked towards him, and he wasn't surprised that it was Hiromi.

Hiromi looked directly into his eyes and she felt her heart wrench, it had been ages since her last encounter with him and she couldn't actually believe herself. Kai didn't attempt to escape from her gaze, despite the fact that it burned him to the very core of his being. Her maroon eyes were filled with a lot emotions, there was pity, anguish, revulsion, disgust and most of all remorse. They seemed to be boring through his very soul; blaming him, condemning him, for all he had done, and most of all for leaving, for leaving when he had no where to go, when no one would accept him after all he had done, and she did; she and the Bladebreakers stood up for him even after all the wrongs he had done, and he got up and left, just like that, all over again.

For quite a while Hiromi didn't look away, eventually when Max called her, she pulled away reluctantly, blinking a few times, trying to make sure if it was really Kai or if her brain was pulling a trick, and committing his image to her memory. A few seconds later she was gone.

A year's worth of self control, Kai felt it begin to shatter from that one long glance from Hiromi; this was why he didn't want to be seen: it would be too painful for whoever saw him and whoever he would see. The encounter was making all regrets swell up to his throat and strangle him He had to stop the guilt from taking over again, to stop the past from haunting his memories; he had tried very hard to stop the past memories from trying to choke him to insanity. He was not going to let an encounter with Hiromi ruin his restraint..

Kai kept his face covered with his hands, trying to get rid of the guilt ridden thoughts than the encounter with Hiromi had brought up. Finally, when the whole stadium was empty, Kai began to exit from the top box. Living with the guilt was something he had to do, so he had to keep it in check and to let it not completely rule his life; to box up his past and keep it locked, but not throw the key away, he had to have reminders of the past to keep himself in line and to keep teaching him a lesson of all that he had lost, and the little had gained as a result of his wrong choices and poorly thought up priorities.

Kai ran his hand through his hair as he slowly made his way towards the barely lit and barely occupied stadium, still wishing that he had, had a chance to compete, that he had won, made his friends proud, he hadn't done his them so much wrong that he could stand facing them. He, Kai Hiwatari had succeeded in accomplishing his life long dream of becoming the best.

His downfall, he had brought it upon himself, it was blatant that there was actually no point in wishing, he had everything, all the decisions were his, it was just that there were too many paths, too many priorities and he was bound to have made wrong decisions with how many priorities he had. He was bound to end up crash and burn, he knew that from the start, just accepting it and going through the pain was harder than he expected. He was going to take it with dignity without being pitied upon; at least he had earned that if nothing else.

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**I hope everyone liked this, like promised, a new chapter within the very same day. Please review; ugh, I have a head ache! There is another chapter before this, which I published earlier today. **

**To my beta reader, Dead-by-n0w, who couldn't beta read this, I hope I fixed my excessive pronoun issue, my mela of noun issue, the countless paragraph issue, and of course the dozens of "he knew" issue, removed all the "knew"-s, cut them down to 2. lol Point out any gibberish you find. Everyone else, sorry if they're any mistakes, I haven't been able to get quite a bit of my work beta-d. My sincerest apologies.**

**One update left for the day, this would be the 11th one.**

**11: 25 p.m. 29th May, 2012.**

**Later... :P**


	6. An Unreachable Dream

**AN: Warning: This fic is now officially KaiHil. Well, it was always supposed to be. :P But the starting chapters had no KaiHil, so I refrained from putting it under the KaiHil category, but now it's completely KaiHil. If you do not like the pairing, I suggest no longer reading; thank you.**

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_**An Unreachable Dream**_

_"Hand me the lights already!" Tyson growled in frustration. He was standing on a stepladder in front of the Christmas tree in the training room of his family dojo._

_There was a cut of, "I'm comi –", the sound of tripping and muttered swearing and moments later Hiromi made her way into the room carrying a box – almost her own weight – of lights._

"_Took you long enough," The world-champ complained, looking down at her. She put the box on the table and turned to Max. "You, too, hand him the lights."_

"_Aww, Hiromi," Max whined, getting up from his place on the floor._

_Hiromi shook her head in annoyance. _

_"I need a break!" she groaned. "I've been on my feet all day."_

"_Hello," Tyson drew attention to himself, "On a step ladder here."_

_"Right," Max chuckled and scratched the back of his head before making his way over to Tyson with a string of lights from the giant carton._

"_Got the rest of the decorations," Ray mentioned, entering the room with another huge carton in hands; Kenny put his laptop on the floor next to him and got up to help the neko-jin carry the box inside._

_Tyson, Max and Daichi continued working on the tree, while Ray and Kenny- eventually joined by Hiromi- started work on the rest of the room. They were still freaking out about how they had till midnight to get everything done, and they still had to start putting lights outside; training and holiday tournaments hadn't left any of them with time to do decorating._

_Kai entered the room to find them all busy with their work; he'd been out training all day and had finally decided to pop back to the dojo to see what the others were doing. Hiromi was on the top of the stepladder, on the other side of the room, ready to put the star on the tree. The rest of the guys stood around it on the side towards the door, Max ready to snap a picture._

_They could have waited for him. Kai pursed his lips, feeling a slight pang in his heart as he stood in the doorway, watching the scene; he felt as if he was interfering in something private, almost intruding in his friends' personal lives. So he backed up a few steps and waited quietly in the doorway, not wanting to make things awkward by being obtrusive._

_He could never be a real part of the team, he was far too reserved to be a part in all their activities, and they couldn't be bothered all the time by trying to include him. But when he tried so hard to portray that he had no need to be included, he actually wanted to be._

_Kai repressed a sight. It was his fault that he hadn't stayed with them to help with the decoration, but it was nature to expect to be waited for…_

_Hiromi raised her hand to put up the star but just as she almost reached the tip of the tree she paused. She stuck her face from behind tree, a distracted look on her face. "I can't believe I forgot!" she said unbelievingly, "Shouldn't we wait for Kai?"_

_Kai smiled a longing smile. He wanted to back away, not to ruin their little private moment of celebration, but before he could retreat his steps or any of the other guys could agree or disagree with Hiromi about waiting for him, the brunette's eyes landed on him from behind the tree and her face lit up like a kid in a candy shop._

_It was hard not to feel grateful at her consideration and her happiness at seeing him, and he froze up right there at being caught standing there, knowing that he would now have to join them like an intruder. He felt happy, though, at them wanting him to join; the feeling of being waited for gave him a sense of satisfaction…he actually mattered to these people._

"_Kai," she grinned looking in his direction, "Come on, you're just in time."_

"_Yeah, dude," Ray began, "we were just talking about waiting for you."_

_He didn't know how to react; he was frozen in his place not knowing what to do. He couldn't leave, and what would he do if he went inside? After a few moments of awkward silence, Hiromi jumped off from the stepladder, the star -glimmering as light reflected from each face of the crystal- still in her hand. The sound of her naked feet padding against the wooden floor echoed more profoundly in his mind with each successive step, her eyes glinted mischievously, her lips curled up in a tentative smile -showing the hesitance which her eyes so superiorly hid- her hair – messed up from all the work – framing her face…Kai couldn't help but take a step towards her._

_She got closer and closer till she was right in front of him, under the door frame just like he was. It was barely a few inches which separated them from each other. Taking his right hand in her left, she tugged on it a bit; he didn't budge from his spot, continuing to stare at her in shock and temptation. _

_"Come on –"she pleaded, but then her eyes went up and her earnest smile turned into a somewhat embarrassed one as she mumbled, "mistletoe", no longer looking up, but instead directly in his eyes red meeting red._

"_Oh," was all he could say as he looked up to confirm her words. A weird sensation took over him as he realized what he was caught up into. A sudden realization of how much he wanted the scarlet-faced girl-who always looked out for him, who mattered so much to him from the start-standing in front of him right then._

"_Mistletoe," he heard somebody whistle from behind but he was too caught up with Hiromi to notice who._

_Somebody groaned._

_"Mistletoe – really, really?" The frazzled tone of the voice— even in Kai's mind-blocked state- clearly indicated Kenny._

_There was another shout, this time more of a whine._

_"Come on, kiss already!"_

_Finally, being done with just staring at her presence in front of him -being there from him, and not running away-he wrapped his hand around Hiromi's slender waist and took a quiet step towards her, filling the diminutive gap between them; there was a squeak from Hiromi, but her lips soon curled to form an encouraging smile. The on-looking crowd of their friends was forgotten by both parties in the very heat of the moment. They leaned towards each other, breaths mingling, faces inches apart, ready to get rid of the unwanted distance; their faces moved closer and closer till –_

_All of a sudden he heard a floating voice very, very uncharacteristic for the dojo, "Mistletoe, ice-block, who is it do you wanna kiss? Me?" and just like that Hiromi melted away from his grasp along with the rest of their festively decorated surroundings leaving him behind in a haze of blurred visions and the same recognizable, yet unidentifiable voice laughing, "Mistletoe" in his mind over and over and over_

Lazily opening his eyes, Kai found himself to be on an arm chair with Ian staring at his face with a wild look and a fanatical grin, mistletoe in his hand. "Mistletoe!" he heard him shout in a maniacal voice.

Kai groaned as he realized where he was; he wasn't at the dojo, he wasn't with his team or Hiromi. It'd been two years since his last Christmas with them. The dream he had was somewhat a fused up concoction of reality and his subconscious, his two Christmases with his old team – good times which could never be brought back, but each memory worthwhile…each memory lingering and unforgettable. His own feelings and insecurities, fears of his unconscious mind which had never let him achieve what he wanted, all his dreams, his wants and wishes…all unreachable yearnings which could never come to pass, which were never meant to be.

Snapping out of his annoyed thoughts when he heard a snort, he saw Ian look at him with an exasperated look, his lack of response and agitation had clearly pissed off the huge-nosed boy.

"Who were _you _daydreaming about, sourpuss?" Ian asked, grinning again now that he had Kai's attention. He had backed up a few steps, so that he no longer invaded his personal space.

Kai's mind was still hazy from being woken up all of a sudden, and he couldn't get the image -and the feeling- of Hiromi's face so close to his, the proximity between them, out of his mind. It was hard to believe that it had been two years since he had left his team. He groaned at having woken up; he wanted to hibernate through out the whole of the holiday season.

Kai swallowed once to clear his throat, and then rasped out, "I fell asleep."

"We could tell," Spencer chuckled from the other side of the room. Had he been talking in his sleep? How much had the Blitzkrieg boys found out about his rather personal and intimate dream?

"Wanna go out for a drink?" Tala asked, entering the room as he put on his jacket.

Kai looked at him idly, letting out a yawn; his mind was still revolving around having Hiromi in his arms.

"An hour before midnight on Christmas Eve, and you guys are going to get wasted?"

Tala looked at him as if asking what his point was. "You want to come or not?"

"No." Kai answered flatly.

"Alright," Bryan said with a snicker, "stay back here all alone. Jeez, you have no spirit, Kai."

Kai shook his head. "Not in the mood to get wasted tonight."

"Your choice," Spencer stated, making his way out of the door.

Ian turned around to grin at him. "Have fun here."

Kai nodded, as they left one by one, before leaning down in his arm chair and closing his eyes. He began playing over the dream in his mind; the feeling of being wanted by his friends, the bliss of that moment when he was with Hiromi before it got ruined by Ian barking at his face and knocking him down from cloud nine and back into the gutter lines of the dingy alleys of Moscow where he usually spent his time being troubled by his past.

A while after the Blitzkrieg boys had left Kai got up from his arm chair, grabbing his coat he made his way out of the Blitzkrieg boys' apartment, bitterly slamming the door behind him.

There was a light wind blowing as the snow fell from the sky. He was out alone, walking on the empty snow-covered street; there were barely any cars on the road, the pedestrians were virtually nil in number. Everyone was at home with their friends and families or heading that way. His shoes made marks on the unsullied sheet of snow as he left the brightly illuminated main streets of Moscow and stalked his way to the desolate and bleak alleyways in the more shady areas of town.

Walking along the vibrantly lit buildings decorated with garlands and mistletoes was making him feel worse. It was better here, in the dark alleys where there was no sign of celebration; he could indulge in the past in peace without being distracted by the merriment and festivities of others. It was hard to come to terms with how he could never have the future he wanted.

How he wished he hadn't let things go… He had faced a fork in the road and had ended up making the wrong turn. Leaving had made him realize the value of the people he had let slip through his fingers; it had made him realize how precious they were to him. The time he had spent with the Bladebreakers was the greatest time of his life. It was hard to accept that there was no chance of getting it back. The only solace was that it happened; he had the memories to haunt him and provide him joy of the best times ever.

There was the sound of an alley cat knocking over a trash bin and Kai was brought out of his thoughts. Looking around to see where he had ended up, he noticed he was in more of a rundown part of the city than he had expected. He was alone in the forbidding alleyway with no source of illumination, but the crescent moon hidden behind the clouds. The mangy cat had stumbled her way out too; his shadow was his only companion in the darkness and emptiness of his lonely path. There was no-one who could stay along with him; his path, his companionship was too unpredictable, too fickle for it to be possible for anyone to stick along with him. He was lucky he got away with happy times with the Bladebreakers for so long.

He hadn't really been paying attention to where he'd been heading, he was just trying to get further and further into the dilapidated and isolated, cast off nooks and crannies of Moscow, away from the commemorating city and all the remorse it made swell up; he just wanted to dwell in the past and reach out for it no longer. He was done questioning his luck; he had accepted where he stood and he was grateful for the good times he had, sure they were over, but no point in mourning over what he had any more, when he could be glad about what he did have at one point.

Hands of times were cruel; they altered things so profoundly that it was hard to contend with it, to learn to live with what you have left and what got left behind. It was exceptionally hard when others enjoyed their lives, while the only thing you're left with were memories of the past, regrets of wrong decision and experiences earned which never would actually be needed anymore. The test came and you _failed_; that's how you got left with the experience, the regrets, and memories you wished were still your reality.

It was nearly two in the morning; if he headed home, he'd probably be able to sleep after a while of tossing and turning. And once he was asleep he would be in peace, at least for the time being. The nightmares no longer haunted him when he was unconscious, and if he was lucky, he might end up back in the dream he had earlier.

He began walking back towards the main part of the city, away from the tranquil and obscured hideaways of the city, smiling a bit, caught up too acutely in his intricately embroidered dream with each happening so accurately conjured up by his subconscious that it was hard not to forget everything and just continue thinking about that moment he dreamed so long for.

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**Thank you to D_ead-bY-n0w_ for beta reading. I hope everyone enjoyed this fic. I wrote this exactly 3 weeks ago. I rather enjoyed this chapter, don't know about everyone else, but seriously, I did, it reminded me and authoress _Dead-bY-n0w_ of my ****_The Little Things Give You Away; _and it's pretty clear that I really love that fic. ^^**

**Thank you to _Dead-bY-n0w_ for reviewing both the previous chapters, _SeleneAtar_ for reviewing chapter 5 and_ Kawaii-Chibi-Kai_ for reviewing chapter 4. Thanks to the readers, fave-ers and alert-ers as well. You guys all mean a lot.**

**Please, r and r.**

**06:01 p.m. 30th June, 2012.**


	7. An Unforgettable First Love

**_Chapter 7: An Unforgettable First Love_**

_Sixth_ year in a row; it's probably is some sort of record, it can't _not_ be.

To say he isn't happy for the Japanese boy would be a lie. He's glad and he's also somewhat proud, but that doesn't help his resentment, and neither does it help him from cursing down every deity in existence for reducing him to such futility – being deprived of Dranzer – that he can't no longer even attempt to put up a fight to _try_ revive his former glory.

The years of second place have only left him guilt ridden and filled with bitterness. His experiences don't count yet because he's yet to learn a single lesson from them. He needs to learn from them, accept them and move on. The day he learns to let go will probably be the day he'll be free from his caging past and able to move on with no fear, no regret and no turning back.

But he's given up on the remote possibility of any of that happening, 'cause well nothing positive ever happens to him, so no point in hoping.

A recognizable voice calls out to him, "Kai."

Eyes reflectively snapping open, they follow the source of the voice instinctively to see a familiar Chinese man in a black tux make his way towards him over the dew drenched grass a drink in one hand and the other intertwined with a pink haired former-competitor.

Making his way over across the freshly cut dew drenched grass Ray smiles up at his old friend. Removing his arm from his long time friend's, he extends it as a forthcoming gesture and waits for his old captain to respond.

Kai looks lazily at the hand held out in front of him not sure whether to accept the token of friendship or not. After a few seconds of mental debate he settles on just nodding curtly. "Ray," he speaks as a means of acknowledging the presence of the man in front of him.

Ray drops his hand knowing that even an acknowledgement was a big thing coming from his old tag team partner. It is curiosity that had gotten the best of him, coupled with some buried longing of wanting to associate with his old friend, that had led him to approach the said friend at the tree he was idly leaning against. Observing everyone at the party with a look betraying something akin to boredom and aversion, and what was that a hint of longing, Ray must have been mistaken.

It's Mariah's turn now. "Kai," she greets simply. Her voice is completely apathetic neither betraying any hatred towards the man, nor any form of empathy. It is noticeable to her now-fiancé how uncomfortable in the presence of the man in front of them. Mariah still considers Kai a traitor. She couldn't be blamed though; Kai didn't disappear from the charts with an exactly clear record.

The former phoenix wielder gives another curt nod, accompanied by a raised eyebrow, and then continues watching apathetically the pair still standing in front of him.

"It's good to see you, old buddy; so, how's it going?" Ray grins awkwardly. The one sided conversation was always a tricky thing in the start.

It took Hiromi's patience with Kai, and Tyson's absolute resolve to pull it off in the old days. He was not someone who had ever been good at it and it seems that nor was he now. Though he doubts that the two formerly mentioned people were either. Hiromi was overwhelmed and Tyson had surrendered, Kai on the other had only strengthened in his tenacity of avoiding human contact.

"Good, good," Kai answers at a lack of anything better to say. His eyes have gone back to scanning his surroundings, the certain maroon eyed girl he has been looking for all evening has disappeared from his view in the time.

Before Ray can respond, Mariah speaks up, her patience at brink. "That's nice to hear, Kai," she says with a pitying smile. "Well, we better head off." With these parting words she grabs her fiancé from the arm and slowly retrieves towards the rest of the population.

Kai smirks as he watches his former teammate being dragged off by his childhood sweetheart.

Old acquaintances have been approaching him all evening; some in genuine concern of knowing his well being and desires of rekindling former friendships, and other's just out of curiosity towards his whereabouts in life now after it being quite sometime of his disappearing from the public scene.

The only person he has the desire to see however has not even glanced in his direction yet. It seems that she has been purposely ignoring him. Again, he knows he deserves it, but this time he actually cares.

From the start he never belonged with them. Only on duty to bring down Voltaire was he forced amongst. Bonds of friendship and trust held all his friends together, and only obligation tied them to him. He was never meant to be a part of their little team, nor had he in his indignation ever attempt to be. That didn't stop him from going attached to them however and wanting what was never his to begin with.

Despite how much he wants to he can never be a part of their happy little family. It is clear to him, has been from the start, he just had the flaw of forgetting it at times. He has far too much baggage and though he knows they are willing to help him carry it, he doesn't need under burden on his guilt tainted conscience. His tainted past and uncertain of future, he couldn't involve them with it, they deserve better, Hiromi deserves better.

And that's one of the many reasons why he hasn't approached her through the evening and has just stuck to staring at her with hooded eyes while basking in the misery he felt from seeing her elated and glowing without him, and without a care for him.

Finally he spots her once more amongst the crowd of people mingling under the twinkling golden lights which are hanging across the garden basking it in a warm glow. She has gained height and a fuller figure, her hair has grown longer too. She looks older, more mature, and most of all she looks as though she has finally moved on, much unlike him. Many a times, her eyes have landed in his direction, but have drifted past his form, as if the person they belonged to didn't even know him.

She's talking to that brunette Tala likes and a few other girls she's pretending to be pleasant too, but Kai can tell that it's just an act and she wants to leave and she's nodding politely and apparently smiling just for the sake of apparent appearances.

She needs to learn to stop looking out for people and saying no when she wants to and doing things for herself more than others. But Kai will never wish for something like this though he wants to, 'cause he's one of those people she's been devoting her life to even though she shouldn't and he isn't ready to live in a world where there's no Hiromi to turn to even if he knows that it would never be that he would turn to her permanently.

He know he wants to, and he knows turning to her would be the best fucking thing that can ever happen to an undeserving ass hole like him. But he won't, and he still wants the reassurance of her being there for him existing. And so he pulls himself away from the trunk of the tree and walks over to where the females are chattering away.

"Hiromi," he says her name for the first time in years. The other women are staring at him curiously, smirks adorning their faces as they watch him watch Hiromi.

The girl turns to face him and his breath gets caught in his throat. She blinks at him, not sure how to react. He's standing there, a glass in his hand, dressed in a tux for the first time she has seen, strands of his messy blue grey hair rebelliously on his face and the ever present .

She mustn't have expected him to approach her, that was clear, and certainly not when she was acquainting with other people, other females to be exact. "Can I talk to you in private?"Kai states his voice hoarse without meaning to.

"I am busy right now." Her voice lacks any form of emotion, but a slight amount of resentment is clearly evident. Hiromi takes a few steps away from the other girls who are giggling and staring at the two of them.

He follows suits until they're both away from earshot. "You're avoiding me," he states, not knowing what right he has to accuse her.

"How would I avoid someone I don't know?" she whispers still avoiding eye contact.

_Lie_, he resists the urge to hiss; she knows him much better than he can ever hope to know himself. "I miss you," he tells her instead.

"It doesn't really make a difference." Her smile is world worn and satirical. They've moved onto a more secluded part of the garden, where Kai was previously loafing away from the rest of the crowd. "but still, why?"

_Because after all these years I haven't been able to forget you!_ "I don't know," he responds, his head hanging low as he stares at the grass and Hiromi's sandal clad feet. He can't resist the smirk when he first sees the lack of causal sneakers.

"You're wasting time, and making things hard for the both of us." Hiromi mumbles turning around, but her voice seems softer as her resolve slowly breaks. No matter how much she tries she can never move on,

"Stay," he begs, not knowing what's compelling him to do so, "just for now."

Hiromi sighs in resignation and turns around to face the quintessence of her looming past, the man she'd been trying to move on from for ages. He wants her to stay with him, but then again hasn't he always? She's always wanted to stay by his side, and he's always needed for her to stay; but there's a difference between wanting and getting, he knows

"Fine," she tells him. Taking a few steps and closing the gap between them she leans into him and hugs him, burying her head in the crook of his neck and wrapping her arm around it. She breathes into the smell of his cologne and relishes into the comfort of actually being with this man right there right then.

The onlookers can die looking and she would not give a damn at this moment. She pulls back after a while, her hands still in place though, and stares straight into his eyes, maroon and red meeting for the first time in two years.

They walk away from the noisy company and into the more isolated part of the garden. She talks and talks and spills out her entire heart in front of him just like before, leaving herself completely vulnerable in front of him once more.

He listens patiently and with the utmost interest in her talks of petty dreams and futile hopes and wishes, her crippling fears and her no-longer-steady resolves, he listens as though he was a part of this intricately held spider web world of hers instead of being the one who keeps tearing it down each time by reaching out to her, and then leaving her again, all alone to pick up the shattered remains of what it was he broke and left behind.

But it isn't his entire fault and they both know it, even now as they walk alone under the twinkling lights pretending that, now is all they had and there was no moving on from this very moment they have together. She's stupid; she's stupid for not doing anything about Kai taking advantage of her care, her never fading devotion that pulls her back to him every time he wants her to.

They're quiet for a while, just cherishing the presence of one another in the silent clearing illuminated by the numerous strings of lights hovering above them. The moment seems unrealistic to Kai, something more like the imaginations of his subconscious mind than reality. However reality makes him forget that the moment is temporary not ever lasting.

Far too caught up in experiencing the beauty of the world he has always wanted, he dips her and kisses her, and the magic spell breaks just as soon as their lips meet. She's no Cinderella and he is certainly no prince charming, and there definitely is no happily ever after written in the stars for them. No matter how many people pretend to play fairy God mother, theirs will always be a broken fairy tale. Reality crashes upon them and it leaves them both shattered as the lasting illusion of a much wanted reality that the temporary moment created leaves them dispirited and heavy hearted towards the present.

Hiromi pulls away and gapes at him, not expecting something like this to have happened. "I've gotta go," she says frantically, pulling away from his embrace. She takes a few backward steps the heels of her footwear sinking in the soil with each time they touch the earth.

Kai extends a hand towards her in attempt to stop her, his mannerism reminding him, of each time he lost Dranzer. He wants her to stay with him, but he knows it couldn't last beyond this night. He can't stay with her that was something he had come to terms with a long time ago.

"Kai, I can't do this," Hiromi's voice is pleading and devastated. "Not when you can't stay with me."

The former phoenix wielder feels his breath get caught in his throat and his body freeze up at this concluding moment of decision. "I can't," he chokes out, watching as the girl in front of him closes her eyes in fretfulness.

She draws in a sharp breath. "This was a mistake."

"I want to set it right," he reasons pleadingly. He knows that his words are meaningless, and she knows this, yet he can't help, but try to convince her to stay with him. He's the one who always leaves and watching her do so is more painful than imaginable.

Hiromi gives a wry smile. "You and I both know you can't." She doesn't understand why she came here with him in the first place; she knew that he can never change, no matter how much he wants, she doesn't understand why she's _still _here. She should be running away from him, far away from him and his tempting self which she can't seem to resist.

"Can I at least have your number?" He asks desperately. He never wanted things to go far. All he wanted was to spend some time with Hiromi and set his mind which had been craving for the life he left behind at rest. Never did he think of things going as far as him attempting to kiss her then trying to stop her and now asking for her number. After so many years so still

Hiromi squeezes her eyes shut and moves further away from Kai. "Why?" her voice breaks in that single syllable word. Kai is still as blind as before if he didn't understand that now or the future didn't make a difference, if he wasn't willing to take a step into the path which led to the future he wanted even an eternity wouldn't get rid of the fears that were stopping him from doing so.

"Just in case," he reasons, his hands are now trembling.

Either he'll call or not; the decision will be a life changing one or one that'll leave him living in the miserable and pointless state of limbo. This time if he does look her up, it'll have to mean that he's ready to stop hiding, hiding from the companionship he fears, the past he can't change and the future he isn't ready to face. Otherwise having it or not, will make no difference.

A nine digit number runs on Hiromi's lips and she snaps close her mouth the very next second as if it were burned. She knows this is a mistake and that she shouldn't have given him an opportunity that would make him more doubtful about the decisions he has made for his life, but she just can't let go of a chance if there ever might.

"Try to understand," he croaks taking faltering steps towards the girl. "I want to, but I can't – not now." He knows there still might be a chance for them one day – a chance for him, one day, because she's the only chance he's got left – because he know he can never forget her no matter how much he wants to – tries to, and that chance would be hopeless if she moved on.

The expression on the girl's face morphs into one of indignant acquiescence. "Not now, and not ever, Kai." She snaps her fisted hands trembling at her sides. "You'll never be able to move on. And these vain attempts that we make because you still want, what you believe you can never have, and I'm too stupid that I can never say no to you, I can't deal with them anymore – I assure you I'll never be able to say no ever, but I'm done with this blasphemy, I'm sorry Kai but I can't wait for you, I can't help you, I can't and won't do anything for you, unless you decide you can deal with any of it.

"I'm really sorry," she finishes and turning around runs back to where the party is as fast as she can determined to get herself from the pain that being in Kai's presence is inflicting upon her. She disappears from his view before he can evens think of her stopping her, and it doesn't really make a difference since he knows he never would have anyways.

And he's just left standing under the glimmering golden lights staring at her as she walks out of his life permanently with nothing left of the comfortable existence of her ever present presence being still than a nine digit number he knows he'll never call.

He is all alone and he knows he'll always be; he's made far too many wrong choices and he's far too afraid to take the right ones in fear of tainting those he cares for even though they don't mind with the disaster he has become and so he'll be alone and never in peace because being alone is not something he wants or ever will want, what he wants is what he knows he'll never let himself was.

The right path Kai knows what it is, and it's just his fears that he refuses to conquer that are keeping him from treading on it, and so he doesn't deserve any pity, nor does he deserve any second chance. He's blind and he's and he's fine with it because right now he's just suffering because of not having the chance which will give him all that he wants, he can take this, but getting what he wants and having it snatched from it again is not something he can handle.

So, he'll keep acting blind and he'll pretend that her number isn't etched in the very caverns of his mind and he'll live with the life he knows he should. The life in which the only thing he's left with at the end of it all, is shadows of a past he wishes to change and yet longs for, a future he wants, but is determined not to let himself have and eternal hatred for who it he has become and everything he stands for and believes in and despite all of that he knows he'll never forget her.

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**AN:****SPOILER:SPOILERSPOILER:SPOILERSPOILER:SPOILERSPOILER:SPOILERSPOILER:SPOILERSPOILER:SPOILERSPOILER:SPOSPOILER:SPOILERSPOILER:****SPOILER:SPOILER**  
_TobiisUchihaObito!599!WTF!So,thewholeofNarutorevolves,aroundObitonotbeingabletoget into,Rin'spants!Howthehell?  
_**SPOILERSPOILER:SPOILERSPOILER:SPOILERSPOILER:SPOILERSPOILER:SPOILERSPOILER:SPOILERSPOILER:SPOILERSPOILER****SPOILER:SPOILER:****SPOILER:SPOILER:SPOILER**

******Thank you to _SeleneAtar, Guest _and_ Dead-bY-n0w_ for reviewing the last chapter. :)**

******08:59 p.m. 29th August, 2012.**


	8. Life, it goes on!

**_Chapter 8: Life, it goes on…!_**

"Jeez, what's wrong with him?" Kai can hear Ian protest in the room the hall across which he had just exited. "All I said was that he shouldn't be moping that the Bladebreaker chick turned him down, and that there are a thousand other girls now that he's taking an interest them."

He can hear Bryan's mockingly jubilant laughter and Spencer tut-ing and Tala calling Ian an _imbecile. _

Kai walks out of the door and slams the door angrily behind him, muttering a string of curses as he steps out into the snowy front yard. He will never understand why he chooses to still associate with these imbeciles.

Anger and frustration have been plaguing him ever since his return to Russia the day following the end-of-tournament party. He let the years of resolve shatter merely because he couldn't resist the temptation that was Hiromi and all that she represented. Home, salvation, absolution, atonement, peace, all that he wanted but knew he couldn't have.

She haunts him when he's awake, she haunts him when he's asleep, and she haunts him even when he's in that limbo like midpoint-ish state between unconsciousness and consciousness in which he can neither dream nor think on his own will. There's no way he can get rid of her from his mind because she's all that is left to runaway from.

Maybe one day he'd get the strength to do something right by himself and the people he cared for; let in that _someone_ who would make him happy and pull him out from the sea of guilt and regret and into the shower of redemption. Because Hiromi is more redemption than he could earn in a thousand years and she'll find a way to soothe his soul even if she'd become tainted by the shadows of his past in the process; and she'd redeem him and encourage him, soothe him and love him to the point that he'd finally be able to look her in the eye and look himself in the eye.

He's been dwelling in the past and the present for far too long to that's he's forgotten to even try thinking of mending his present. A day will come, he knows he'll stop dwelling in what's gone and what will be and just live life the way he wants to.

The bitter present he knows as his reality is what he considers as the destruction of his life and a colossal wastage of it, since it's not what he wants and its existence is neither helping him or anyone else in the world.

One day he would call the number which had been etched into every fiber of his mind. He'd call Hiromi and apologize to her, because he is still drowning in guilt and regret, and there's no one who deserves his apologies more than that girl who kept doing right by him each time he knocked got knocked down and even after each time he knocked her down.

All his life he'd been over thinking, over analyzing and trying to be wise about everything, and the only thing all these attempts at over achieving had landed him with was immense amounts of self hatred. Never had he overcome his fear and decided to take the straight and easy way in his life. Hiromi is the straightest path he can see now. Because Hiromi is redemption and Hiromi is warmth and comfort and love and forgiveness and everything he longs for, but is afraid of reaching out to on his own.

And lastly Hiromi and all that she is, is something he probably never will have.

These wants and desires and second guesses all seem to amplify and intensify each day, and suppressing them gets more hard with each time they cross his mind.

Still, he isn't as irresolute as he believes himself to be and he'll keep resisting the temptation because he knows that the temptation is the forbidden fruit and he does not want to make any offense that might harm him or anyone that he might involve in his desire for what is prohibited.

There's still an open window left just for him, and that provides him relief that even though he knows he shouldn't – and he won't – do what is that he wants to, but there's still an opportunity for him and its not that he has nothing left to go back to.

Because Hiromi is still there, and no matter how many times she tries to convince herself and him otherwise, she'll always leave a window open for him to come back, to come back and redeem himself. And maybe it'll be her sheer resolve, her persistence and her dog gone stupid belief, but it'll be what brings him back into the life he wants and show him that it can be all that he wants it to be.

All these things sound good for one day, but for now all he can do is keep pretending to be what he has decided long ago that he's suppose to be.

And blade, blade despite he has nothing and no one to blade for. Let himself, bask into the unknown warmth he feels which, he lets himself pretend is Dranzer's and let the adrenaline of the sport he loves and the reminiscent comfort of the warmth he's always yearning for, wipe away all rational thought from his mind until he's in a world of his own where there's no guilt, no remorse, no need for redemption and no fear of harming others with his soiled hands which just tend to bring misery.

Because until he finds the courage to let go of his presumptions and fears and learns to let love in, life, it will still go on, and he needs something to numb his pain and give him will to live by, and these rare moments of bliss during blading are one of those things. And he goes on for them, hoping that one day he'd have no need to hide or look away from his reflection.

Until that day everything can be summed up in his life can be summed up in three words: it goes on. And he'll go along, because heck he still has a long road ahead of him and what's present today will be the past tomorrow and who knows if he'll end up on the straight way to the life he seeks without even knowing.

All that will remain will be the fact that life, it still does, and will then too, go on…

* * *

**AN: This is completely open to speculation. it's up to you to imagine if Kai had a happy ending with Hiromi, or if he spent his lonely, miserable life all on his own. I don't care what people think, in my mind Kai and Hiromi got together and lived happily ever after. lol I know, unlikely, particularly the _happily ever after part_, but doesn't hurt to hope, eh?**

**Thank you to all you, who supported this story, readers, reviewers, favers and alert-ers alike. :) And to the dear friend of mine, who texted me the quote which inspired this fic. though she has no clue about fan fic or me writing a fic. lol **

**My first story to be finished. xD**

**05:30 p.m. 2nd September, 2012.**


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